-- Fergie

I went to the dentist last week. I don’t really mind going in for a cleaning, but that’s because I have pretty decent teeth and I try pretty hard to take good care of them. The past few weeks I’ve done a lot of traveling and therefore I haven’t had time to really get serious with my dental hygiene. You know, when I’m aware I have a dentist appointment coming up, I’m straight up in front of the mirror brushing and flossing like I’m about to meet the Queen or something. Making sure my teeth are sparkling and what not. Well, when you’re dealing with chunks of time away from your home base, and you’re working with a travel sized toothbrush and water you’re not used to, some of the focus manages to slip off the impending dental appointment.

I haven’t been flossing. (Various sounds of indignation pipe up from the reading audience). I know. I also find it hard to believe. It really just occurred to me the day before my appointment that the ol’ floss hadn’t been out of the drawer in a while. It was too late to worry about it, though and I proceeded to the dental appointment with some trepidation.

I used to want to be a dentist. I’m not exactly sure why. Well, maybe it was because I was born an old soul. Really, truly, I was. When I was four, and all the other kids wanted to be Batman or a firefighter when they grew up, I wanted to be a dentist because, well, it just seemed like the practical thing to do. I have a sneaking suspicion this thought was placed in my young and still forming brain by repeated viewings of “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.” Remember the elf that wanted to go to dental school? Seriously – you make TOYS, how fun is that, but instead, he wanted to be a dentist. I always knew that if I could do whatever I wanted, practical or not, I would have totally been a detective. (Those of you that know me really well, know that I would be a kick ass detective. I’m still observant to a fault.) Anyway, I got older and discovered how long dental school would take and I backed right off that idea really quick.

Anyway, the hygienist comes to the waiting room and calls for Abby. I was totally irritated. She’s cleaned my teeth every six months for probably the past year and a half and she called me Abby Dabbs. (Insert your own Abby Dabby jokes here.) We get to the room and she discovers that I haven’t updated my health form. So after that fun, it’s time to begin. I don’t know much about teeth, but it always fascinates me that they start by taking the little miniature ice pick (call it what you want) and pressing on each tooth. It’s almost as if they’re counting to make sure they are all still there from your last visit. I’m pretty sure if I had lost a tooth in the past six months, I would lead with that, as opposed to, “Yeah, I’m doing ok, how are you?” She let out a sigh and wearily said, “So, you been flossing?”

You know what, I thought? Screw it. “Nope, I really haven’t. I’ve been traveling some lately and have been kind of busy.” She acknowledged that traveling makes it harder to keep your flossing straight and then launched into the speech. “So you know the stats, right? I mean about flossing and all that.” “Yeah, I do.” Now, I couldn’t quote them to you, but I’m pretty sure the stats are every time you fail to floss a small child has their favorite toy taken away from them or something like that. Oh and something about heart disease and gum disease being linked, right? I’m on it, got it.

She proceeded to the scraping part and ugh, I hate that. The actual cleaning business isn’t that bad, but the scraping? Yuck. Then we get to the flossing. On the upper teeth, I’m pretty sure she was trying to jerk the floss up through my gums and into my nasal cavities. For the lower teeth, she was hell bent on ripping the floss through my gums and out my chin. I know she was thinking, “That’ll teach ya not to floss, bitch” the whole time. Oh well, when she finally finished she told me "everything looked good except, you know, you need to really floss, really floss every day.” Then the dentist came in with his cute self and his whiter than snow teeth and was super nice. So, moral of the story? Floss. Don’t be like me. And to quote Regina King, “If I wasn’t an actress, I would be working in dental hygiene because I think it’s important for folks to have their mouth situation straight.” You heard her, get your mouth situations straight, y’all.